Why??

Why? This is the question I would most like to ask and yet, it is the one question that I know I cannot. This is just nothing but setting myself up. So many things have been going on with me. Some of my own doing, some of others doing. I just have to remember that God is in control and he has a reason for everything. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed because I so don't deserve the grace that God has provided for me and I feel terribly guilty sometimes because I know that I continually let him down. Or at least that is what I feel like when I fail yet again. It's just frustrating because I don't want to be like this. I have to just keep working harder. I feel so sad for folks that don't know the Lord and I worry about family members that I won't be seeing in heaven.

Faith

Faith....such a simple word. Such a powerful word. And yet, it's not the easiest word to act upon. My faith is the most important thing in my life. Keeping the faith isn't always easy for me. It's not that I don't trust the Lord, because I do...it's just that once I give something over to him, I have a habit of taking things back.

Recently, I have experienced some lessons in this. I have my own mini miracles. I have a job again. In fact, tomorrow is my first day. I will admit that I am a bit nervous because I want to do well. Shoot, he brought me the job now I just have to trust that he will help me succeed. This is an awesome miracle but it isn't the best. The best miracle is the restoration of my relationship with my daughter. Having faith with this, and doing my part in it and just trusting has been tough. However, I was able to work on this and I am seeing such progress that I just want to cry for joy. Hopefully we will be able to build on this. With God in charge I feel that we can.

For all those out there facing trials and hardships....keep the faith and you too can see miracles.

Trust

I know that in this day and age, so many folks don't believe in miracles. I guess it truly depends on what your definition of a miracle is. While I have not seen any really "large" miracles in my life. I have seen lots of small ones. However, these don't diminish anything for me. A miracle is a miracle and I am so very grateful for all that have occured in my life.

I recently learned a lesson about humility. God desires brokenness from us. I knew this but recently, I truly had to humble myself before him and with the aid of my pastor I was able to do that. It wasn't about a sin (well maybe that isn't true since pride can be a sin as well) but it was about pride and needing help and being honest about it and expressing the need to someone else. The minute I was able to do this, things started to change and the Lord started working in my life. I have received help in many little ways and some things have started to turn around for me.

I don't think I every fully appreciated how much my relationship with the Lord had to be the most important relationship in my life and I am now working hard at keeping that my priority.

Venting

Okay, so I do feel a little bit better after venting last night. I know that I shouldn't let things like this bother me. God will get me through anything and everything and that is what I need to stay focused on. So that is what I am going to try and concentrate on.

Other folk's lies

I am so tired of all the stuff other people say. I have heard lately that some folks have been passing around some untruths about it me and it bothers me greatly. When I first heard this, I got really down in the dumps about it but I have realized something now...it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change things. I can't make them stop saying it and it doesn't change the truth or who I am. I have faith in the Lord that he won't give me anything I can't handle so I just need to stick with that. Keep my faith, the Lord always knows the truth and that is really the only thing that matters. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately but the one think that never lags is my faith and I can tell you most amazingly that I have really learned who my true friends are and there have definitely been some surprises. Folks that I thought were my friends and I learned really weren't true friends because they believed the lies without believing in me or even asking me first and there have been some that sadly, I didn't really realize how good of friends some of my friends were and best of all, some of them are exactly what I thought they would be.

Life's not perfect and I am certaily not perfect but I am working on changing and being the person that God wants me to be. Some days will still be hard but at least I am working on it and that is truly what matters. I always wonder thought...does anyone else out there ever feel this way?

Why is it always so hard?

I just don't understand things sometimes. I want so badly to sit here and type why do certain things happen? Yet I know it is the wrong thing to do. I know that we can't ask why. It is one thing when I am in pain and hurting. I have definitely been in pain and hurting for the past couple of weeks now. I know that mine is coming from the fact that I need to seriously change things in my life and fear is ruling and I am dragging my feet on it. So, there really isn't any reason for me to ask why about that. However when the pain is felt by someone I love, all I want to do is make it better. I know that I can't but what do you say when they ask you why, or worse yet when they know that they can't but the questions lays between you, unasked by both, because you know you aren't supposed to ask it? It is just so damn hard. It hurts me to see my loved ones hurting. It makes me sick when things don't work out for them and yet, they have been doing everything "right". I know that trials make us stronger. What sucks right now is that I know all the right things that I am supposed to say. And I know that they are right I just am dealing with my own crap right now so I am really not feeling them like I should. It is just very hard.

Regrets

Okay, so I don't feel that much better emotionally. In fact I am still struggling but what is plaguing me the most right now are regrets. I regret so many things I have done and said in the past. However, I know that I can't go back and change things. Sometimes I wish I could. Then again, it is our experiences that go into making us who we are. I am plagued by the wish that I could be a better Christian. I have some good qualities but I know I could and should do better in some aspects. I am still working on it. I need to keep praying.

Changes

Gosh, I hardly know where to begin. Part of me just wants to sit here and curse a blue streak. However, where would that get me and what good would it do for me. I also sit here and just feel like bawling my eyes out. I am in a bit of a funk right now I guess.

Part of it is because I am so tired. Wednesdays are incredibly busy days for me at the store because I am in the store all by myself for just about the whole day. And traditionally, Wednesdays are busy days. Doesn't help that I only ate one meal today too and that was at 3:30. They tell you not to do or say anything if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or tired and right now I am all of those so perhaps I should just go to bed and call it quits. Wait....I have to see the season finale of Top Chef first. I don't care who winds but I just know that I want one guy to lose because he is an arrogant ass.

Anyhow, some good things in that my work situation has changed some. The trouble I was having has been taken care of but it does mean a bit more work for me but the stress is so much less that is okay. One of the people I wrote about last time has been asked back to his old position. Awesome. Now, he doesn't have to work that job that he doesn't like. The other friend I wrote about is still out there looking and I pray that something comes up for him soon.

So, I guess that will be it for now....I just really am feeling kinda crappy emotionally so I will close because the one thing I don't want to do it get on some pitty pot. That I don't like in others and I like it even less in myself.

Sleep well all.

Breakin' my heart

I am a bit sad tonight. This job situation has really got some folks I care about down in the dumps. First of all, I know exactly how they feel. I am having some job related issues myself. I am praying that I will be able to work through them but I have a couple of other friends who are really struggling.

First of all, I have a friend who had to go back to an industry that he wasn't really happy with because of the way things are in the economy right now. He is a real go getter and a hard worker. At first, he was excited about this job because it was more laid back that his previous work in this field because it wasn't cut throat. However, because he is such a go getter he is actually doing better than some of the others that have been there longer than him and there is some sour grapes and now the others are jealous and giving him a hard time. It just really sucks because he was so excited at first about this job and now he is so disappointed. I feel so bad for him and really there is nothing I can do except pray for him. However, that is doing a lot so I will keep doing that.

Next....my son. This is the one that breaks my heart the most. I was mad when he got fired from the job he had because it was for such a stupid reason. If he is using his own tools like he was, then he should be able to take them home if the others are not taking care of them. However, because he decided to do that...his boss fired him. In a way, it's probably a good thing because I really don't know how much longer that company would be in business. Anyhow, he has struggled trying to find work. He did finally find a job waiting tables. He used to do this and I know that it isn't really what he wanted to do but he was glad to have a job and was grateful. However, after just 2 days and he is miserable. He is working is a popular San Angelo resteraunt, however it isn't a place that really cares for someone with a Christian background and they are working him into the ground. 12 hour shift today with no breaks. I know it's Valentine's Day but that is just ridiculous and boy it pisses me off. I went there for dinner today and left him a big tip but he was just so sad. He just almost seems defeated. I have been praying for him a great deal tonight. Hopefully, he will make good tips and maybe that will help. He will always be my baby so you can't help wanting to take care of them and wanting to make things better for them, no matter what their age is or waht yours is but I do feel a bit helpless with this but I know that as long as I can pray, I am never helpless. I just ask the Lord to take care of my boy.

Actually, I want to just ask the Lord to keep all of us that are stuggling with a job situation in the palm of his hand and to look out for us and for hime to put us where he wants us to be. Perhaps we all 3 already are because in this world, it is his will that will be done and not ours.

I pray that God blesses all of you as well.

J.

God's Sense of Humor

I gotta tell you that the Lord certainly has a sense of humor. I had a very rough day. I was stressed to the max at work because I was swamped today and the one co-worker who was in the store with me was absolutely no help. Then, things went from bad to worse when we had a 3 pallet shipment arrive and we had a corporate exec there with our boss and they both drove us all crazy while we were trying to check the shipment in. Then, because I didn't appreciate things enough and I had lost sight of the fact that I should always be grateful for what I have, the muffler half fell off my car on the way home and I can't drive the darn car right now. Man, oh man. I get so tired of the fact that the Lord has to do stuff like this to get my attention. You think I would learn the lesson but I don't. What really bad timing too. Doesn't help matters either that I was so horribly sick all weekend and am still trying to get over it because I have to go out of town Friday morning for a weekend sales conference. Yippee.

On a good note, tomorrow is my son's 2nd wedding anniversary and I am very happy for them.

I wish all of you a better night.

Friends

So, what do I know tonight? I know that the Lord is good. I know that no matter how much we screw up our lives, that if we seek his face and ask forgiveness he gives it to us. I know this every single time I look into the face of my beloved grandson.

I also know that if you have a few good friends in your life, then you have it all. Sometimes I get a little lonely and sometimes I get a lot lonely. Doctors told me one time that they suspect I have been clinically depressed since I was 5 years old...maybe so, I know I struggle with it sometimes....however, I also know that if you have one or even two good friends then you are doing fabulous. There is absolutely no better feeling in the entire world than having one friend who knows everything about you, you can go to for anything and everything and they love you anyway. I am so blessed to have a friend like this and although I sometimes lose track of what is important in life, I have never taken her for granted and I continue to marvel at our friendship and consider myself so incredibly blessed to have a friend like her. She isn't superwoman. In fact, she is incredibly flawed, just like me. But she is a true friend and that folks is rare, especially in this date and age when so many things are superficial. I hope and pray that every single one of you out there are lucky enough to have a friend like this.

So, here is what I think. First of all, I think I am so darn grateful to the Lord just to be here. I am SO very lucky because I have the most amazing kid in the world (even though he isn't a kid) and best of all, I am a grandma to this amazing little boy that I sincerely love more than anything else in the entire world. So, what do you all want to hear about? I have lots to say...keep tuning in.