Why??

Why? This is the question I would most like to ask and yet, it is the one question that I know I cannot. This is just nothing but setting myself up. So many things have been going on with me. Some of my own doing, some of others doing. I just have to remember that God is in control and he has a reason for everything. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed because I so don't deserve the grace that God has provided for me and I feel terribly guilty sometimes because I know that I continually let him down. Or at least that is what I feel like when I fail yet again. It's just frustrating because I don't want to be like this. I have to just keep working harder. I feel so sad for folks that don't know the Lord and I worry about family members that I won't be seeing in heaven.

Faith

Faith....such a simple word. Such a powerful word. And yet, it's not the easiest word to act upon. My faith is the most important thing in my life. Keeping the faith isn't always easy for me. It's not that I don't trust the Lord, because I do...it's just that once I give something over to him, I have a habit of taking things back.

Recently, I have experienced some lessons in this. I have my own mini miracles. I have a job again. In fact, tomorrow is my first day. I will admit that I am a bit nervous because I want to do well. Shoot, he brought me the job now I just have to trust that he will help me succeed. This is an awesome miracle but it isn't the best. The best miracle is the restoration of my relationship with my daughter. Having faith with this, and doing my part in it and just trusting has been tough. However, I was able to work on this and I am seeing such progress that I just want to cry for joy. Hopefully we will be able to build on this. With God in charge I feel that we can.

For all those out there facing trials and hardships....keep the faith and you too can see miracles.

Trust

I know that in this day and age, so many folks don't believe in miracles. I guess it truly depends on what your definition of a miracle is. While I have not seen any really "large" miracles in my life. I have seen lots of small ones. However, these don't diminish anything for me. A miracle is a miracle and I am so very grateful for all that have occured in my life.

I recently learned a lesson about humility. God desires brokenness from us. I knew this but recently, I truly had to humble myself before him and with the aid of my pastor I was able to do that. It wasn't about a sin (well maybe that isn't true since pride can be a sin as well) but it was about pride and needing help and being honest about it and expressing the need to someone else. The minute I was able to do this, things started to change and the Lord started working in my life. I have received help in many little ways and some things have started to turn around for me.

I don't think I every fully appreciated how much my relationship with the Lord had to be the most important relationship in my life and I am now working hard at keeping that my priority.

Venting

Okay, so I do feel a little bit better after venting last night. I know that I shouldn't let things like this bother me. God will get me through anything and everything and that is what I need to stay focused on. So that is what I am going to try and concentrate on.

Other folk's lies

I am so tired of all the stuff other people say. I have heard lately that some folks have been passing around some untruths about it me and it bothers me greatly. When I first heard this, I got really down in the dumps about it but I have realized something now...it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change things. I can't make them stop saying it and it doesn't change the truth or who I am. I have faith in the Lord that he won't give me anything I can't handle so I just need to stick with that. Keep my faith, the Lord always knows the truth and that is really the only thing that matters. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately but the one think that never lags is my faith and I can tell you most amazingly that I have really learned who my true friends are and there have definitely been some surprises. Folks that I thought were my friends and I learned really weren't true friends because they believed the lies without believing in me or even asking me first and there have been some that sadly, I didn't really realize how good of friends some of my friends were and best of all, some of them are exactly what I thought they would be.

Life's not perfect and I am certaily not perfect but I am working on changing and being the person that God wants me to be. Some days will still be hard but at least I am working on it and that is truly what matters. I always wonder thought...does anyone else out there ever feel this way?

Why is it always so hard?

I just don't understand things sometimes. I want so badly to sit here and type why do certain things happen? Yet I know it is the wrong thing to do. I know that we can't ask why. It is one thing when I am in pain and hurting. I have definitely been in pain and hurting for the past couple of weeks now. I know that mine is coming from the fact that I need to seriously change things in my life and fear is ruling and I am dragging my feet on it. So, there really isn't any reason for me to ask why about that. However when the pain is felt by someone I love, all I want to do is make it better. I know that I can't but what do you say when they ask you why, or worse yet when they know that they can't but the questions lays between you, unasked by both, because you know you aren't supposed to ask it? It is just so damn hard. It hurts me to see my loved ones hurting. It makes me sick when things don't work out for them and yet, they have been doing everything "right". I know that trials make us stronger. What sucks right now is that I know all the right things that I am supposed to say. And I know that they are right I just am dealing with my own crap right now so I am really not feeling them like I should. It is just very hard.

Regrets

Okay, so I don't feel that much better emotionally. In fact I am still struggling but what is plaguing me the most right now are regrets. I regret so many things I have done and said in the past. However, I know that I can't go back and change things. Sometimes I wish I could. Then again, it is our experiences that go into making us who we are. I am plagued by the wish that I could be a better Christian. I have some good qualities but I know I could and should do better in some aspects. I am still working on it. I need to keep praying.